


How to flirt

by Aethelar



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Graves' A plus flirting skills, Humour, M/M, and that's about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 01:01:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8946928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aethelar/pseuds/Aethelar
Summary: Graves cannot flirt. Graves needs to flirt in order to win Newt's heart. Therefore, what he has done is he’s gone to his aurors and asked his aurors the all important question:
  How do I flirt





	

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaaaages ago, emeraldwit sent me a prompt about Graves and Newt and flirting and it was so cute and I haven’t written it yet. Because, and I’m admitting an honest failing here so please don’t laugh, I can’t flirt. I don’t know how to do the thing. I cannot recognise. I cannot initiate. My sister had to tell me when my boyfriend was trying to make a move because I kinda just smiled and patted him on the head? I am a giant dweeb.
> 
> So. I actually went to google for this one, and these are genuinely the steps google gave me via wikiHow's _how to flirt (with pictures)_

Graves cannot flirt. Graves needs to flirt in order to win Newt's heart. Therefore, what he has done is he’s gone to his aurors and asked his aurors the all important question:

_How do I flirt_

They're helpful with their answers. They even give him a simple, easy to follow ten step plan. Guaranteed success. Can't go wrong. Graves writes it all down on flash-parchments and memorises it. Next time Newt is around Graves grabs him and takes him to the nearest diner (physically grabs him by the arm and quick-marches him down the street, and probably the only reason Newt comes with is because he’s too used to this from being arrested all the time), plonks him down on a scuffed and faded wooden bench by a scuffed and faded wooden table and retrieves a coffee and a tea from the counter. Hot tea, even.

He brings both back and all but slams them down on the unsuspecting table. He now has hot drinks, an informal non-work related location, and Newt’s undivided (if very confused and slightly wary) attention.

_Showtime._

> **1. Make eye contact**

Graves stares at Newt’s eyes. It’s harder than it sounds because Newt keeps trying to look away, but Graves perseveres. If he adds just a bit of ominous frowning he can make Newt stare back at him, wide eyed and nervous but still maintaining eye contact which is the important thing, and he calls that a win for step one. 

> **2. Smile**

Graves isn’t sure about this one. He usually smiles as an intimidation tactic, but his aurors assured him that it was helpful. Critical, in fact, as far as flirting went. Trusting his aurors, because they’re complete shits but they all seem to actually _like_  Newt and are rooting for Graves in this, he smiles.

Newt’s fingers clench spasmodically around his tea mug in what might be fear or might be a sign that the flirting is going well. Graves forgot to ask for a guide to people flirting _at_  him.

> **3\. Introduce yourself**

“You know who I am,” Graves says, which he’s mostly sure is correct but it’s always good to double check. He knows who Newt is, but he’s ~~hopelessly in love with him~~ been paying attention like a good auror should, Newt doesn’t have the benefit of auror-honed observation skills.

“Yes,” Newt squeaks, so that’s stage three sorted.

> **4. **Initiate a conversation****

Guidelines would have been useful here. What constitutes an acceptable topic of conversation? Well, Newt loves creatures. That’s a good start.

“Have you picked up any new creatures recently?” he asks.

Newt starts to sweat and fidget in his seat. The fingers of his left hand are picking at a loose bit of skin at the base of his thumbnail and he’s going to make himself bleed. That’s not necessarily the best of signs.

“Not really,” he answers. “Not as such. I mean. New? Or new new? I mean. I haven’t. No. Why would you think that.”

“New or new new?” Is this a flirting code?

“Well _new_  is just, new, but _new new_  could be new and never seen before new or just new to New York but perfectly common and harmless in their home country, absolutely one hundred percent, and there’s a difference between the two that was never fully covered in the last law, and I always felt that was a bit of an oversight, really, because _new_  happens all the time naturally and _new new_  is really not as bad as people make it out to be.”

What. Graves drops his smile to drink his coffee, but manfully maintains eye contact as per instructions. Newt smiles innocently back with just the slightest hints of desperation and _fuck-please-buy-it_ , so it can’t be going too badly, this flirting thing.

> **5.** is **Keep it light** , which Graves is already doing, so moving swiftly on to **6. ** **Use body language to communicate your intentions******

Graves’ intentions are to take Newt home and fuck him into the mattress, but that seems an awfully crude thing communicate in a public area. Is he _really_  sure that his aurors aren’t messing him about? Still. He’s come this far. He tilts his body to shield his hands from passing bystanders and tries to mime his _intentions_  (what the fuck) with his fingers.

And now Newt looks terrified, so maybe it came across more like some sort of a threat. Oops. Graves panics and reaches in desperation for the next step which is

> **7\. Break the touch barrier**

and frantically reaches across the table to grab Newt by the shoulder. Seeing as Newt was partway towards pushing back from the table and preparing to apparate (in a diner full of _no-majs_  Newt please have some _decorum_ ), he ends up pressing Newt back into his seat and gripping quite a bit harder than he meant to. Fuck.

> **8. **Compliment the other person early in the conversation****

“You’re really good at getting into trouble, you know?” is the first compliment that pops into Graves’ head. Newt nods, face white and shoulder tense and rigid under Graves’ hand.

“It does seem to happen,” he says warily, and Graves almost wants to laugh because _that is an understatement Newt, that is a fucking understatement._

“Too damn moral for your own good,” he grumbles instead, and lets go of Newt’s shoulder. It’s awkward, reaching across like that, and not very subtle. People are probably looking. He probably can’t get a refill now. He slumps back in his chair and looks morosely down into his coffee.

“I… sorry?”

Graves waves off the hesitant apology. “Why? You’re not going to change. You wouldn’t be you if you did.” Actually, that’s a point. Newt’s not going to change, and Graves is the head of the auror department. He really can’t be seen aiding and abetting crimes, but if Newt won’t change then that leaves only one other option.

He sighs, because fuck, this sounds like work. “Just gives us time to get the laws changed before you get caught again,” he pleads - says, he says. The beast laws _are_  a bit outdated. Tina’s been harping on about it for a few months now. Graves has just been busy with other things, but that’s hardly an excuse.

Newt leans forwards, hands tapping against his mug (which he still hasn’t drunk any of) in a fast, uneven pattern. “Get the laws changed?” he asks, quiet and breathless.

“The beast laws. The ban. The one you’ve been completely ignoring for the past year.”

There’s a pause. “Oh,” Newt says, looking down. Graves flicks his eyes up from his coffee - damn, he’d lost eye contact, when did that happen - and is arrested by the dusting of pink across Newt’s cheeks.

“So,” Newt continues in the same soft voice, “I can keep Felix?”

What the fuck is a Felix? Is that a cat or a person?

“You can meet him, if you like?” Newt adds, noticing Graves’ hesitation. “I promise he’s not dangerous.”

Oh. A creature. Probably a cat. Graves can’t remember what step nine of the flirting list was, but step ten was definitely to do with arranging their next meeting, so he clears his throat and somehow manages to agree around the sheer explosion of _fuck me this is happening_  going off in his chest.

It was a good first attempt at flirting, he thinks.

_(Felix is not a cat. Felix is a fucking dragon, Newt, how did you get a dragon in your suitcase, are you sure he isn’t dangerous, Newt, Newt come back please, don’t let the dragon pick me up, don’t let it takE ME FLYING NEWT GET ME DOWN FROM HERE NEWT)_


End file.
